Adventures in Odyssey

So I have found the perfect way to pass the time as I work. Focus on the Family pod-casts. So now I just walk around vacuuming while crying. Though I don't agree 100% with his tactics the stories they tell on there are so heartbreaking/warming. I cry alot now.

Lovers Less Wild

Well the truth is that I am rarely ever truly satisfied. Whether it’s the biscuits and gravy I ordered from PineState or the city I moved across the country for. They all seem to fall short and surprise they never solve my problems. It’s ridiculous to expect a biscuit to solve your problems, right? Well yeah it is but I have been so desperately wanting a piece of the south and though they did have sweet tea it most definitely was not southern food. Anyway the point is I am constantly let down. The next thing always turns out to be lacking and I move on to the next thing. This was a strong pattern in my life when I lived in Tennessee. I had all these ideas of what would make my life better. Sometimes I wouldn’t get what I wanted but the problem came when I did. The problem was that once I got it I saw the wizard for what he really was. It was disappointing.

For instance I went to this relatively conservative Christian University in Tennessee that had these “Greek clubs” (sudo- fraternities/sororities). Even before I was a student I knew I wanted to be in one of these clubs, there was this desperate feeling to want to be apart of something. So finally I got into one and don’t get me wrong this was seriously one of the best experiences of my life but let me tell you it didn’t satisfy me. Once I was in I moved onto wanting something else and that happened to be getting into one of the girl clubs as a big brother. That was awesome but that lost its luster about a month into it (maybe if I would have got into the one I wanted the luster might have lasted longer – probably not). Here I was with my Greek club dream life and I wasn’t satisfied and I found myself looking for my next fix. This is just a stupid example of how my life has worked so far.
So I keep asking the question to myself, “what is missing?”

Philippians 4:11 Paul writes, “I have learned to be CONTENT whatever the circumstances.”

By the way Paul really had no reason to content. He was in prison. This wasn’t a nice prison with a basketball court and a cafeteria. This was a cave with a hole for an opening that he was lowered into. I got a chance to visit this prison when I was in Rome this past semester and it was unbelievable and for Paul to say he is content and happy makes no sense. If you have read any of the letter to the Philippian church Paul’s joy is undeniable. So here is where I am having trouble. This didn’t sit well with me at all. Here I was well fed, rich, free, and unsatisfied, and Paul was in chains, hungry, lacking, and satisfied.

What’s wrong with this picture? So much.

Philippians 4:12-13 Paul continues, “I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hand full or hand empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”

Everyday I look right past the cross for the thing or person who is going to make everything ok. Satisfaction is not capable apart from Christ.

“No person, endeavor, thrill, formula, or achievement is capable of delivering what we all crave deep within… what if we were content with God’s perfect love and were free to give love rather than constantly maneuvering to get it?” – Jim Palmer

My life has been a series of maneuvers to receive love. I am constantly going out of the way to get instead of giving. We are all searching. The human desire to discover the mystery is at the core of our being. But little do we know that what we are searching for is already within us.

Colossians 1:26-27, “The mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations… It’s Christ in you.”

I have been learning a lot since I have been in Portland. Slowly but surely all the layers of inessentials are being stripped away. I am learning to be content with empty hands and heart full. I don’t have it all figured out yet because it’s a process or maybe a journey. God is helping me see that I no longer have to buy into the lies that I need things to be satisfied. I don’t. Let me tell you about the apartment I live in. The first thing I bought when I got here was a mattress. For a few weeks that was the only thing I had. Then we found a free couch on the side of a road, and then an old TV, then my roommate bought a table for six dollars. That’s it. That’s all we have and you know what it is so much more than we actually need. So we laugh when we are watching our old TV and we see these commercial screaming at us that we need their product or we need to call this number to find love. It’s not true. It is simply a lie.

“I am prone to depend on circumstances to supply something that only God himself within me can give. When it all falls apart, and I’m left sitting through the rubble of life’s disappointments, difficulties and disasters, God whispers, “I AM what you’re looking for.” He’s the satisfaction I’ve been searching for. He is not hard to locate; He is inside me.” –Jim Palmer

The lovers less wild will always disappoint. There is one and one alone who has what we need. Stop looking out and look inside. He is there waiting.

Psalms 42:7
Deep calls to deep
In the roar of your waterfalls;
All your waves and breakers
Have swept over me.

We have so much of it that we poop in it.

Last week I was hired as a janitor at my seminary. My title is actually physical plant staff but I have no allusions of grandeur for I am a Janitor. I learned a lesson a few summers back from a pastor I worked with that no work is below me. Being a janitor is noble work and I will forever respect the millions of people who clean up after everyone else. But anyway I have been spending a lot of time around toilets the last few weeks and I have been thinking about water; more specifically clean water. Over 1 billion people do not have access to it. I have plenty. It’s all around me. In fact it’s raining, but that’s normal because I live in the Northwest. But seriously I have so much of what so many lack. It is mind blowing. Every fifteen seconds a child dies from water related diseases. That’s insane.

Maybe I will create a toilet that uses sand… pooping in sand doesn’t sound so bad.
Cats do it.



“How can we go on spending obscene amounts on budgets of death and destruction, knowing full well that a minute fraction of these would insure that children everywhere would have clean water to drink? These are our sisters and brothers out there, not statistics.”

—Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Currently listening to: The Witching Hour and the Majic Tusk by The Witching Hour

Something more

Out of all the teachings of Christ one statement haunts me more than any other. Jesus said that we would do greater things than He did. Is the church doing greater things than Jesus? Maybe if we are looking at the amount of money, or how big are buildings are, or how many TV shows we have; then yeah sure maybe we are doing greater things than Jesus. But somehow I don’t think that’s exactly what he had in mind.
If we want a clear picture of what I think Jesus was talking about we need to look to Luke 7, John sent his disciples to ask Jesus if he was the one the were waiting for. Jesus simply responded in verse 22, “the blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor.” This stuff was happening and on a regular basis! When was the last time you saw a dead person alive? Sure these kinds of things happen in different movements around the world where God moves in amazing ways but they happen far and few between. When they do happen the Church deifies the movement and flocks to the location desperate for a move of God but only end up worshiping the man/women and half the time the movement is inseparably locked in controversy. Why aren’t these things happening everyday inside and out the church walls?
A few months ago I was watching TV late at night and every so often my curiosity makes me see what’s on the Christian channels. I came across a strange sight that caught my attention. There was this fat guy with tattoos on stage doing some sort of healing service in a Benny Hinn like style, so I watched for a while. People were claiming to be healed left and right. The preacher was taking his time with each person pushing them down and picking them up over and over again. I grew up in the Pentecostal tradition so this was nothing new to me. I was a little skeptical but I was truly hoping that the people were really being healed. As I was thinking this, a boy was carried on stage that changed everything. He was visibly crippled; his legs and arms were all bent up and gnarled. My first thought was alright preacher man lets see if you’re the real thing, sure this probably wasn’t the best attitude to have but never the less. The preacher walked up to the boy touched his head and said, “Lord continue the healing that he wants” and then he walked to the other side of the stage to pray for the next person. By the time the camera got back to that side of the stage the boy was gone. I got angry.

My spirit was so grieved I wanted to weep. I wanted to weep for the unhealed boy, for the preacher, and for everybody in that civic center who forgot about the boy moments after he was on the stage. It broke my heart. I will never forget it.

Why wasn’t he healed? Why is the Church living below par of what we are capable of? These were the questions that plagued me for the weeks following the night I saw the boy on TV. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don’t trust Jesus.

I have never really had to trust Jesus. If I was sick I went to the doctor or took medicine. If I were hungry I would go to my refrigerator filled with food. I have never really needed Jesus to provide for me because I could get it myself. The majority of Christians in America have never really had to trust Jesus. My friend Chris used to visit the elderly at a retirement home. He used to visit this one lady on a regular basis and she told him a story about a time she almost cut her hand off. They had no access to medical care so her mother grabbed a cloth and a bible. Her mother prayed and read a verse out of revelation and her hand was absolutely healed. She said this was a regular occurrence in their house. They were forced to trust Jesus and He came through for them every time. I don’t even come close to knowing what it is like to have to completely trust God for provision. If I’m hurt, hungry, or need money… I have hundreds of options. The questions is:

Is our comfort, our security, and our safety standing in the way of what Jesus has called us to do?

To do the great things that we are capable of requires great risk and trust. Think of Peter when he asked Jesus to help him walk on the water. Before anybody or I can trust Jesus we have to ask some fundamental questions.

Do we believe that God is good?

In C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles the children hear about a lion named Aslan and they asked a crucial question, is he safe? They are answered with a, “no he isn’t safe but he is good”. The good news of the gospel isn’t safe but it’s good. It is called the narrow road for a reason… the Christian life is not a life of ease. Oh but it is so easy to get sucked into the world’s idea of good. It’s so attractive that it has been entwined with the western version of the gospel.

We have to believe that His better is better.

What is it that is stopping us from trusting Jesus? What are we holding onto that is stopping us from stepping into the power that Jesus promised his disciples on his last few days on earth?

We are not alone. He is among us and He is alive.


John 14:27
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

He Doesn't Know Why

Well I just ate a chimichanga the size of my head from La Bonita and as usual I ate so much I felt like I could throw up. After lunch I was walking down to Town Hend’s teahouse and I literally thought I was going to throw up. I was gagging and fighting loosing everything because of this cute couple that was right behind me. I would not of minded throwing up on my own; I just don’t think I could have handled their reaction. All is well now. I tried a new green tea today but it sort of tastes like clams or sometime type of soup. So needless to say I am quite disappointed with my selection.

One of my good friends is asking his girlfriend to be his wife tonight. He called yesterday and told me his plans. I am so happy for them. I was so surprised but totally pleased. With the pleasure of hearing of my friend’s engagements comes the obvious ‘single’ melancholy. I usually welcome this feeling and take the next few days to reflect on my life and what I am doing and what is personally deficient. It hit me though when he told the news that out of my hometown friends I am one of the only single ones left. Out of the other two single friends from my hometown one still lives in his parents garage and the other I am not sure wants to marry a women (though I hope so). I think I am doing pretty well for myself. Who knows?

I am sort of happy with my decisions thus far. But I am not content and not even close. I live a good life but there is more and I currently want it. I don’t even know what it is. But I am constantly aware of things that I wanted but couldn’t have. They all ended up in the arms of someone else. I guess I just don’t get it… What is the plan here? Maybe I will turn the corner and everything will come together and make sense but currently I feel like I am just here, alone.

So sitting alone on this green couch in a teashop on Alberta St. I feel very much. I don’t know what I feel but I am filling it stronger than I ever have before. But I will trust that it is all ok. Even if it doesn’t feel ok. I choose to believe that it is. So I shall enjoy this pleasant fall evening and not let the worries of the world find there way to my thoughts. I do not need them.


Adage by Billy Collins

When it’s late at night and branches
are banging against the windows,
you might think that love is just a matter

of leaping out of the frying pan of yourself
into the fire of someone else,
but it’s a little more complicated than that.

It’s more like trading the two birds
who might be hiding in that bush
for the one you are not holding in your hand.

A wise man once said that love
was like forcing a horse to drink
but then everyone stopping thinking of him as wise.

Let us be clear about something.
Love is not as simple as getting up
on the wrong side of the bed wearing the emperor’s clothes.

No, it’s more like the way the pen
feels after it has defeated the sword.
It’s a little like the penny saved or the nine dropped
stitches.

You look at me through the halo of the last candle
and tell me love is an ill wind
that has no turning, a road that blows no good,

but I am here to remind you,
as our shadows tremble on the walls,
that love is the early bird who is better late than never.


Currently listening to: Fleet Foxes

I Dream'd in a Dream

I have been dreaming a lot lately. Some are very real. Sometimes I wake up wishing they were real and other times I wake relived that it was only a dream. But usually I can’t seem to shake them. When I have a dream its like it follows me all day, sometimes for days. It’s frustrating and I don’t know what to do about them. Obviously there is nothing really I can do about them. The worst are the ones where I wake up and realize it wasn’t real and I wanted it to be real so bad. Then its like I have to mourn the loss of something I never had. The only way I can explain it is like I have a hole or an empty space and then the dream fills it and I wake to the realization that the hole is still empty. This all sounds pretty sad, right? Well I think it is sad.

I dream'd in a dream I saw a city invincible to the attacks of the
whole of the rest of the earth,
I dream'd that was the new city of Friends,
Nothing was greater there than the quality of robust love, it led the rest,
It was seen every hour in the actions of the men of that city,
And in all their looks and words.

-Walt Whitman



Currently Listening to: Mercury Rev – Snowflake Midnight
Currently Reading: Democracy Matters: winning the fight against imperialism by Cornel West
Currently Contemplating: Last nights dream

Victory Rose

Without being ridiculous it was probably one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. I never stopped smiling and it literally brought me to tears. Fantastic.