He Doesn't Know Why

Well I just ate a chimichanga the size of my head from La Bonita and as usual I ate so much I felt like I could throw up. After lunch I was walking down to Town Hend’s teahouse and I literally thought I was going to throw up. I was gagging and fighting loosing everything because of this cute couple that was right behind me. I would not of minded throwing up on my own; I just don’t think I could have handled their reaction. All is well now. I tried a new green tea today but it sort of tastes like clams or sometime type of soup. So needless to say I am quite disappointed with my selection.

One of my good friends is asking his girlfriend to be his wife tonight. He called yesterday and told me his plans. I am so happy for them. I was so surprised but totally pleased. With the pleasure of hearing of my friend’s engagements comes the obvious ‘single’ melancholy. I usually welcome this feeling and take the next few days to reflect on my life and what I am doing and what is personally deficient. It hit me though when he told the news that out of my hometown friends I am one of the only single ones left. Out of the other two single friends from my hometown one still lives in his parents garage and the other I am not sure wants to marry a women (though I hope so). I think I am doing pretty well for myself. Who knows?

I am sort of happy with my decisions thus far. But I am not content and not even close. I live a good life but there is more and I currently want it. I don’t even know what it is. But I am constantly aware of things that I wanted but couldn’t have. They all ended up in the arms of someone else. I guess I just don’t get it… What is the plan here? Maybe I will turn the corner and everything will come together and make sense but currently I feel like I am just here, alone.

So sitting alone on this green couch in a teashop on Alberta St. I feel very much. I don’t know what I feel but I am filling it stronger than I ever have before. But I will trust that it is all ok. Even if it doesn’t feel ok. I choose to believe that it is. So I shall enjoy this pleasant fall evening and not let the worries of the world find there way to my thoughts. I do not need them.


Adage by Billy Collins

When it’s late at night and branches
are banging against the windows,
you might think that love is just a matter

of leaping out of the frying pan of yourself
into the fire of someone else,
but it’s a little more complicated than that.

It’s more like trading the two birds
who might be hiding in that bush
for the one you are not holding in your hand.

A wise man once said that love
was like forcing a horse to drink
but then everyone stopping thinking of him as wise.

Let us be clear about something.
Love is not as simple as getting up
on the wrong side of the bed wearing the emperor’s clothes.

No, it’s more like the way the pen
feels after it has defeated the sword.
It’s a little like the penny saved or the nine dropped
stitches.

You look at me through the halo of the last candle
and tell me love is an ill wind
that has no turning, a road that blows no good,

but I am here to remind you,
as our shadows tremble on the walls,
that love is the early bird who is better late than never.


Currently listening to: Fleet Foxes